while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
