I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
