I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
