Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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