So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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