my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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