Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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