At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
