these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Randomize
