so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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