I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
