somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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