i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
