Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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