Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
