is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
