Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I am available for nakedness
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
