Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
