and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
