I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
