my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
