Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
