He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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