Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
