He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
How external is "for external use only"?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
