woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
