Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
