Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
two words...techno handjob
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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