He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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