i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
