Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
