i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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