the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
no you cant smoke seaweed
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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