Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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