Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
