9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
