I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
