I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
