three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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