you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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