Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
