I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
