grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
