New low: just hacked my moms facebook
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
