So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
