I think my fart just growled at me.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
