He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
