I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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