Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
not ubering you a puppy
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
