she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
