I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
