so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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