He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
